NO MORE YOU

I snap at people, I’m short, shitty, dismissive & tend to mumble “fucking moron” under my breath about strangers. I lash out at people I love over any small perceived attack, I’ve become verbally abusive. I’m pretty sure I’m depressed. My quick google search confirms as much. Where is this all coming from? What gives me the fucking right to snarkily tear people apart? Where, exactly, do I get off? Why am I so angry and where the fuck did this all come from? What is wrong with me?

I have an almost two and half year old and she’s absolutely, mind-blowingly amazing. She’s smart, considerate, loving, funny, curious and just an absolute joy to be around even though she has no interest in sleeping at all. It’s just the two of us Monday through Thursday 8-3 and we’ve built the most amazing bond that I wouldn’t trade for anything. I absolutely love to be heavily involved in her life as make fish & stars with play-doh, sing her songs, make bread and tacos together, walk, and fiddle with all the shit we’re growing outside. I could do with a little less of the Minnie Mouse, Donald Duck picture disc but she has a penchant for pulling dope records as well, she knows De La Soul by the spines & has the strangest thing for that LADRONES full length. I tend bar at night, get 4-6 hours of sleep and I’m back on dad duty, with the weekend exception when I can sleep in somewhat and try to give my partner a chance to sleep in as well if I don’t have to close the night before. Since the baby has been born I’ve noticed my irritability, my assholeness, and my constant confrontation with strangers. And more importantly with my partner. The person I care about most and yet I’m willing to rip her apart when something doesn’t go the way I planned, when I don’t feel considered, when I’m sick and, also, when I should just shut the fuck up. What gives me the right to verbally lash out? Why am I doing this? How do you develop depression after the greatest thing in your life is born?

I’ve recently acquired cluster headaches, they’ll last for 3-9 hours, happen every day and they make me want to repeatedly tap my left eye with a ping hammer, worst of all they usually develop about an hour before I have to head into work and last most of my shift. The left side of my face swells, my eye starts to droop and I still have to deal with the most absurd, “So how does this work?” menu questions. You gotta keep the face on, indulge the people who refuse to read the printed recommendations and just trudge on. But, for what? The doctor says the likely culprit of my cluster headaches is my lack of sleep. Which, well, duh. But here I am, on the path of being my daughters bald, angry, depressed dad with absurd migraine headaches that just happen to come on with consistency and no sleep remedy. What happened to my life? Where is my sense of self? I’ve lived in Nashville for almost a year and a half and been to exactly one show, how is that possible? I’ve completely lost me and I’m not super stoked about it.

The tape label thing has always been a disconnect from my family life, something I did for myself. Tiny little art projects in runs of 25 & 50, not my art per se, but someone has to put that shit together and see the project through. I used to feel a rush of exhilaration and excitement as I scored and cut the last cover or finished dubbing the last tape. Now I just do it all methodically, just trying to get it all done, trudge on but it hasn’t brought me that sense of joy for awhile now. What an absolute bummer. I don’t miss feeling obligated to post on social media but I definitely miss the feeling of completion, of a job done and done well. I just seem numb to everything now and it kinda sucks.